How to Date: Online or Offline

I think online dating has a bad rep. I assumed so many negative things about what my experience would be with online dating. I'm not here to defend it because there are pros and cons to dating online, but I do want to encourage you to have an open mind for the sake of your experience.

I was scared to use dating apps, and I felt embarrassed. I worried I would appear desperate. I was desperate, but I didn't want other people to know it. I started using dating apps in 2019, and it quickly turned into an unhealthy habit. I grew obsessed with finding anybody that would keep me occupied when bored. I wanted someone to talk to when I felt lonely.

I went down a really dark path in 2019 when it came to dating. I was being reckless online and offline. I took a break for a few months at the start of 2020, and then lockdown happened. I thought I was disciplined enough to date with integrity and not compromise my standards.

I failed.

God was patient with me through those years. He refined me, and he allowed me the space to learn how to date well.

It's not dating apps fault that we are not being successful when dating. I think it's easy to blame an app or blame the crude guy on the other side of the chat for our disappointments. However, I think we date poorly online and offline.

We've forgotten how to give people a chance. Actually, I think we are giving people a chance, but it's not the people who deserve it. You know what's important to you. And if you don't know your values, find some. Get to know yourself so another person can know the real you. I can help you discover those one-one-one here.

If you're a Christian, don't consider having a chat with someone who fundamentally disagrees with you. What type of lifestyle does this person have? Does it align with yours?

Singleness can be holy.

I learned I would rather be single than divorced, and I learned how to date well so I wouldn't be in a marriage I shouldn't be in.

Speaking as a Christian, the point of dating is to evaluate if the relationship is worth taking into marriage. I want to share my life with someone, and I want us to honor God together. Foundational beliefs and lifestyle will influence the quality of the relationship.

Here is what I did to date well online, and it can be used when dating offline.

Choose one dating app.

Only use one dating app at a time.

I met my boyfriend on POF. I've linked it so you can check it out. I like this app because of the amount of people on the app. The more people I interact with the higher probability I will connect. Don't hear me say that you should be talking to everyone that gives you attention. Trust your gut, be honest with your motives and have fun. This app was free, and you can pay for additional features.

Hinge is my favorite, and it did get me a couple of dates with good men, but it didn't work out. It didn't work out because two people came together and either one or the other or both decided to move on. The app had nothing to do with it. The app was just a tool to meet someone. A tool to be used and not abused. I like Hinge because it's the easiest to use. It's very user friendly, and I like the parameters I could place on my feed. I think it also gave you a limit on how many people you could "like", and it gave you compatibility suggestions. This app is free, but with a premium feature at an additional cost.

Bumble is popular. This app requires women to initiate. I steered away from this partly because I thought men always have to initiate, but later, it was mostly because I didn't like the sort of one way traffic of communication. I wanted a guy to reach out if he wanted, and that was hindered if I hadn't come across his page or liked it. Bumble also has a friends only feature and a business feature. Check out this interview I did sharing my advice about it being o.k. to initiate first as a woman. This app was free.

I tried two dating apps specifically for Christians.

Upward was o.k., but most of the people on there weren't from my area, and I wanted to meet someone local because I didn't want to be in a long distance relationship. I wasn't on this app long, but I suggest you give it a try. This app is free.

UnitedYoung is a dating app where each user has to submit an application to join the app. I liked the exclusivity of this one, but most of the profiles I saw were men who lives states away. Again, this app didn't work for me because of personal preferences. I highly recommend this app if you're a Christian seriously looking to date another Chrisitan. A friend of mine met her husband on it. It was $10/month when I signed up.

Check Your Motives

Be honest about why you are on a dating app. I gave this advice to a co-worker, and she admitted to feeling frustrated and hopeless because her loneliness wasn't being satisfied. I said to her, "then we can't really hate a guy for doing the same thing." Be fair with yourself and with other people.

People don't exist to satisfy us. We don't use people.

If you want to get on a dating app because you want to hook up, own it.

If you want to date because you want to share your life with someone and eventually marry, own it.

We don't use people, and I think we need to be honest with ourselves and take responsibility.

Give Them A Chance

You know that guy who isn't tall enough or cute enough or his profile is vague?

Give him a chance.

He's a person with the potential to be really great, and looking at a self made advertisement isn't going to tell you much. There are A LOT of profiles what you see it what you get, but not ALL of them.

My boyfriend had one very filtered photo, his snapchat username and indicated he was a Christian. I liked his profile like a shot in the dark. I messaged him first about a week later, and over a year later we're still together. There was not a specific thing I did other than take a chance. I didn't expect it to work out at all, and neither did he.

I go more in depth about this on this podcast episode. You'll also hear me talk about safety and why getting off the app asap is the best thing you can do for your potential relationship.

Get Used to Adjusting Your Expectations

We don't live in a movie, and we sadly don't live in a Taylor Swift song. We are constantly being influenced by countless of stories that tell us how we should meet our husbands, what our boyfriends should do or look like.

Pay attention to character. You're never going to truly get to know someone if you're constantly dismissing them based on superficial preferences. And guess what? When you finally do start a relationship, you'll have to compromise, accept and change for it to work. Over and over and over and over again. Your partner will have to do the same as well. For every annoying thing my boyfriend does, I guarantee you I have 3.

You can do this.

You're worth the effort, and so is that person you haven't met yet.