In the Wilderness

I've been wrestling a lot with the idea of serving a local church, change, community and proximity. I wonder what it means to serve your church; what does the bible say or show about it. How much have I been molded by the traditions and rhythms of my home church. How much of it matters. I know seasons change, but changing seasons I choose are less than the ones that have happened to me. I don't trust my gut. I am afraid of my feelings ruling my obedience.

This morning I was studying Luke 1, and something stuck out to me: verse 80. The very last verse in the chapter says, "John grew up in the wilderness". This question came into my head: why is the wilderness so significant? John chose the wilderness, and Jesus chose the wilderness. I don't wonder why they chose to do there, but I wonder why God chose the wilderness as a significant place?

I feel like I've been in the wilderness in an obvious way. Poor finances, poor relationships, poor choices and consequences. But what if I'm in the wilderness now? Now when life is not poor.

I don't like feeling confused.

I don't like feeling forgotten.

I don't like feeling lonely.

I don't like feeling lost.

I don't like feeling misunderstood.

And I especially don't like all of it when I have made effort to build a life that is free and peaceful.

Suddenly, I feel like I want to run, and I know that as a sign that I'm not doing o.k.

However, this "not o.k." is different than other times.

It's causing me to evaluate the quality of my life, the posture of my heart, the state of my spirit. I've been asking myself what I want out of life? I'm dreaming and dreaming some more. Something I am not used to doing.

Is it possible that, although I am in the minority, the life I crave is the better way? Could it be that this season of my life full of church, relationships, work and family is changing into a whole new way?

I know I have the freedom to choose the next step, and I know running away is not an option or wise. And I know my wilderness is preparing for goodness. I want to learn how to matter where I am while I move forward. I want God to be my motivation and my guide.

As I live in the wilderness that is full of confusion, loneliness, misunderstanding and feeling lost, how can I dream big? How do I serve well now while moving on? How do I show up with a cheerful heart while yearning for more? How do I accept God's best for me now while knowing there is more God has for me?

I don't know yet, but I am choosing to matter here in the wilderness while dreaming big.

I'll let you know how it goes.