Letting it Die

My grandma died in January. She was in the hospital for a month, and then she died. Five years before that my grandpa died. They were my parents so you can say that my mom and dad died in the last five years. When he died I gave myself a pep, “It’s better that he’s gone. Don’t wish for him to be alive again because everything dies so death is inevitable. Do you wan to go through this pain again?”

So when my grandma died, I knew better. I was better prepared.

11 months later on a not so tragic note, but still a grieving one, my boyfriend left me. A boyfriend who said he’d marry me. A boyfriend I turned myself inside out for. A boyfriend I gave every benefit of the doubt because everyone told me to be nicer and not so harsh and not so “me.” So I bargained and compromised and believed him and softened my heart for the sake of this relationship.

In the same way I gave myself another pep talk not too long ago. “Don’t go back to him. He isn’t meant to be your husband. There is better. God is better. God is enough. If you go back, the relationship will just die again. Do you want to start healing from square one, again? No. Don’t go back”

I really thought those words. “die again.”

And then my mind went to the verse where Jesus says “let the dead bury their own dead.” Let things be and let’s move forward. The dead are dead. Let what is dead stay dead because it died for a reason. Maybe it’s natural. Maybe it’s necessary.

Grief never stops. It comes in waves. There’s a lull, and then you’re hit out of no where. I think with break ups, they heal differently than death. But my point here is, accept that it’s dead. Whatever it is. Cry when you feel like it. Be angry. God can handle it. He wants to handle it. Tear by tear, step by step, move forward. Even if you’re crawling.