“It is What it is”, a dismissive response to pain.

You’ve said it to someone.

You’ve heard it from someone.

It’s what humans do when we aren’t comfortable with discomfort.

Pain isn’t fun.

Pain sucks.

I wish I could fast forward through the pain. I wish my words were enough to heal my friend. I wish I could make it all better. With every intention, action or well meaning phrase, that’s what we’re trying to do. It doesn’t work. It isn’t magic. So we settle with “it is what it is.” We dismiss our reality, and for a brief moment, it feels less terrible.

I challenge you to process beyond that. Yes, the pain is real. Someone died. Someone hurt you. You hurt someone or miss them.

It is real, and that’s exactly why you need to feel it. Your pain deserves to be processed. It’s going to come when you don’t want it to because we never want pain around. Pain will lie to you, overwhelm you and sometimes feel like it’s killing you.

The people who love you won’t have the perfect thing to say. But take heart, here are some practical things you can do whether you’re the one hurting or the one on aching for someone else.

pray: pray God will heal. pray for acceptance. pray for process. pray for peace
just listen: “I hear you.” goes a long way. “I’m here.” reminds them they aren’t alone.
ask about the need: “what can I do? what do you need right now?”
don’t make it about you: we’ve all experienced loss, but right now, it’s about them and not you. unless they ask, don’t cloud their pain with yours.
remember you aren’t a savior: remember Jesus saves and heals so you don’t have to try

I want to encourage you to pay attention to how we respond to someone in grief. I want to encourage you to pay attention o how you respond to your own grief. Ask God to help you notice what is actually helping. Ask God to give you wisdom as you navigate through this hard season. He doesn’t waste pain.