It hurts, and It’s Better That It Does

I’m going to be vulnerable. You probably think I already am because I share a lot already, but that’s more like transparency. And I haven’t healed from what I’m about to share so there is a greater risk for the kind of person I am. I haven’t even told some friends or family directly. So hey, I broke up with my boyfriend 3 weeks ago.

I miss him especially this last week. I felt deeply sad and lonely. I’ve cried uncontrollably and randomly.

Sunday I was watching a sermon by my pastor, and I wasn’t really paying attention because my mind wandered off to this thought: God make this feeling go away. I’m tired of feeling sad. This thought lead me to imagine what it would be like to go back into the relationship. What if I can reconcile everything? Would things be different? I know all the answers because I didn’t make the decision lightly to end the relationship. But still I considered reaching out because what would be the harm in that? Again, I knew the answer.

Somewhere in all the considering and thinking, God gave me clarity. If I go back to the relationship my spirit will feel uncomfortable again. You see in all the consideration I remembered how anguished my spirit felt for nearly 3 months. And it wasn’t because he was bad or that I was bad. It’s because we are unequally yoked. God means different things to us. God is represented differently in our lives. Our standards are different, and my spirit was unsettled because of this.

God helped me understand being spiritually anguished is worse than my flesh being anguished. And that’s what is going on for me right now. I miss his company. I miss the emotional connection. All physical desires that aren’t being met is what is causing me to feel lonely and sad. My flesh hurts.

But my spirit is at peace because my life is not bound up to someone who I am unequally yoked to, and side bar about “yoking”. It is possible to be unequally yoked to a believer. Yesterday I read this by John Bevere, “Spiritual maturity is about obedience.” My spirit couldn’t stand being so close and serious with another spirit who didn’t love the Lord. There was so much tension. Paul warns us about the company we keep, right? In 1 Corinthians 15:33 and again in 2 Corinthians 6:14

Even though I get sad and lonely and feel guilty about what I did, I am confident, I am sure this pain will go away. The anguish, aching and pain is going to go away. I am so confident that God is enough for me, and that this is better. Peace is better. My flesh hurting is better than my spirit hurting for what could have been forever. Imagine being married and feeling uncomfortable all the time because God is calling you here, but your husband is over there?

I’ll add this, too. My ex boyfriend wasn’t a bad man. He loved me the best way he could. I felt so special. He is so nice. He is gentle and was patient with me. He was curious about God. All good things, but still…none of it flowed from loving God first. So I chose to step away, and it is the better thing. Choosing God is the better thing.

I want you to have the same confidence. That your flesh being anguished is better than your spirit being anguished. So you choose God. Choose to serve him first so you can serve everything else well.